Haddaway said it the best. “What is love? Baby, do not hurt me, do not hurt me no more.” When we love someone, mistakes are sometimes made. Things are said because our tongues cannot be curbed in time, and so we wind up regretting the venom we spit. Yet, when ire seems to be in your blood, how can you go on without letting it destroy your love? Here is how:

1. Know your anger

Where does it stem from? How is it grown? You may think your anger is natural, something organic that comes from within; but that is not the truth. Something happened to make you feel this way, and so you must endeavor to figure it out.

For every negative emotion, there is a source. Though contemplating where such strong emotions develop from can be troubling, the more you know, the better prepared you are to deal with in when it comes.

2. Ask yourself questions

All of these questions lead to answers (and maybe more questions) that will bring you to the root of the ire. Examples of those questions are:

  • Who is making me angry? Myself or someone else?
  • Did I remember any particular hurt from my past?
  • What is the current environment like?
  • What was I talking about?
  • How do certain works affect the way I feel?

At the bottom of the wrath are smoldering coals that need to be stirred up to regain life. Think of these coals as past trauma or hurt. When someone does something that rekindles the dormant flame, the anger returns. It may not always be as strong, but it will remain until healing or cooling happens.

3. Let love control the flame

This means that in order to soothe this vengeful flame dwelling within, you must learn not to disregard that anger. Learn to accept it. Learn to love yourself. That is where love begins and hate recedes.

Further, find someone who will love you for being you. This person does not have to be a SO. They merely have to be the ever-patient and virtuous guide. This individual’s chill will help you in controlling the anger.

You will learn through their example how to manage the anger. So if that means anger management classes, then you do that. If that means getting uber-spiritual, you do that.

4. Relax

Most of the time, anger is a direct product of anxiety running amok. The heart begins to pump faster, the adrenaline starts working overtime, and you just get unreasonably furious, like a bull trained to attack the red cloth. Managing anger is, again, a two-part process of first loving and accepting who you are; secondly, you need to relax.

Seriously, I did not say your guide needs to be “chill” without a reason. Simple relaxation techniques can actually soothe angry emotions when done correctly. For example, you may visualize something that makes you feel warmer and safer.

This could be laying in a field of dandelions with the sun gently caressing your skin or the trickling of water over stones. Breathe deeply, filling your chest with nurturing breath.

Do not allow yourself to hyperventilate. You may turn into the Hulk, otherwise. Anger does not have to be some untameable horse, nor do you have to break it to make it work.

Anger is often the negative product of misunderstood emotions, so allow yourself to get to the root of the issue. Talk to someone who understands, or look for the answers by yourself. Stay cool, breathe, and remember that when you accept what is happening, you can feel more love.